The Beatles at Hogwarts
by D.L. SchizoAuthoress
Summary: "They're coming tonight!"/Immediately, all the ghosts began to chatter and preen in anticipation. Dumbledore looked slightly ruffled by this interruption. Smoothing out his beard, he asked the Friar, "Who is coming?"/"John Lennon and George Harrison!"
1. "Thomas M. Riddle"

Title: The Beatles at Hogwarts  
Author: SchizoAuthoress  
Rating: PG-13  
Warnings: Um, disrespecting the songs of the greatest band on either side of the Atlantic? Yeah, I'm going to be haunted like nobody's business.  
  
A/N: Thanks, Catriona Snape, for (unintentionally) giving me this idea. It's not *exactly* the same as yours, but if you don't like that I've done this, review it and tell me so. I will remove it then. Anything to do with the Beatles' families and/or love lives is totally made up for creative purposes.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. The songs aren't mine either. Nor are the Beatles my possession. (Rest in Peace, John and George.)  
  
"The Beatles at Hogwarts"  
  
I'll never forget what happened at Hogwarts a week before Christmas holidays in my sixth year (Harry Potter's fifth). My name is Estrelleia Snape-Malcolm, but you can call me Stella Malcolm.  
  
It was a normal (relatively speaking) day at Hogwarts. Neville had melted his seventh cauldron of the month that day, Crookshanks had landed on Ron's head in the library and gotten him kicked out, Ravenclaw flattened Hufflepuff in the Quidditch match, and Draco had tripped Harry on the way to supper in the Great Hall.  
  
Oliver Wood had returned to scout new talent for the Appleby Arrows, and Percy Weasley was there on some kind of "Ministry business", but I strongly suspect that his mum told him to keep an eye on the younger Weasleys while she and Mr. Wealey went to Romania to visit Charlie.  
  
But, right in the middle of the meal, the Fat Friar charged through the wall right above Dumbledore's head and shouted, "They're coming tonight!"  
  
Immediately, all the ghosts began to chatter and preen in anticipation. Dumbledore looked slightly ruffled by this interruption. Smoothing out his beard, he asked the Friar, "Who is coming?"  
  
"John Lennon and George Harrison!"  
****  
As well as Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr. Somehow, the ghosts of Hogwarts had arranged a Beatles reunion, post mortem of half the band. (If anybody complains about the fact that the Beatles are Muggles, I'll have you know that Ringo's second cousin has a half-sister whose daughter is the first witch in a long line of Muggles, and that George Harrison's grandfather was a wizard before falling victim to a Memory Charm. Besides that, Paul once dated Celestina Warbeck. And John comes to Hogwarts every so often, now that he's a ghost.)  
  
Anyway, John and Paul argued for a little over what they were going to sing for us, but George decided to be a peacemaker and they stopped when he reasoned with them. Ringo suggested that they perform a "Special Hogwarts Edition" of some of their best songs.  
****  
"Thomas M. Riddle/Eleanor Rigby"  
  
Ah, look at all the lonely people!  
Ah, look at all the lonely people!  
  
Thomas M. Riddle is a Dark Lord in the lurch  
Still not as powerful as he has been  
Lives with an Animagus  
Waits at the window  
Casts the Cruciatus curse, then casts it some more  
Who is it for?  
  
All the lonely people  
Where do they all come from?  
All the lonely people  
Where do they all belong?  
  
Cornelius Fudge, writing the words of a Ministry statement  
That no one will hear  
No one comes near  
Look at him working, darning his socks in the night  
When there´s nobody there  
What does he care?  
  
All the lonely people...  
  
Cedric Diggory died outside a church  
And was buried under a stone with his name  
Everybody came  
There's a priest wiping the dirt from his hands  
As he walks from the grave  
No one was saved  
  
All the lonely people...  
  
Ah, look at all the lonely people!...  
****  
Cho Chang started crying when they mentioned Cedric and had to be taken outside. Everybody else applauded, though.  
  
END PART ONE  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------  
Next time: "On the Qudditch Team/Yellow Submarine"  
  
~~John shouted, "Come on then, everybody, sing along!" So everybody joined in on the chorus:  
  
"We all wanna play on the Quidditch team  
On the Qudditch team, on the Quidditch team  
We all wanna play on the Quidditch team  
On the Qudditch team, on the Quidditch team...."~~  
  
Please review! 


	2. "On the Quidditch Team"

Title: The Beatles at Hogwarts  
Author: SchizoAuthoress  
Rating: PG-13  
Warnings: Um, disrespecting the songs of the greatest band on either side of the Atlantic? Yeah, I'm going to be haunted like nobody's business.  
  
A/N: Thanks, Catriona Snape, for (unintentionally) giving me this idea. It's not *exactly* the same as yours, but if you don't like that I've done this, review it and tell me so. I will remove it then. Anything to do with the Beatles' families and/or love lives is totally made up for creative purposes.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. The songs aren't mine either. Nor are the Beatles my possession. (Rest in Peace, John and George.)  
  
"The Beatles at Hogwarts: Part Two"  
  
Draco muttered to me, "These people are Muggles?"  
  
I nodded. He looked thoughtful, then whispered, "Maybe I ought to sign up for Muggle Studies, then. But I'd have to drop Ancient Runes."  
  
I laughed softly at that. Lucius Malfoy would probably send his son a scorching Howler if he heard that Draco was even *thinking* of switching Ancient Runes with "some damned useless course that doesn't teach anything you can't learn faster and better in the real world", to quote my uncle Severus.  
  
But as we were talking, the Beatles had been conferring with the Quidditch captains and Oliver Wood over the next song. And so they started.  
****  
"On the Quidditch Team/Yellow Submarine"  
  
In the town where I was born  
Lived a man who flew on a broomstick  
And he told us of his life  
When he played for Arrows  
  
So we took an enchanted train  
Till we found ourselves in Appleby  
And we lived out the rest of our days  
Wanting to play on the Quidditch team.  
  
We all wanna play on the Quidditch team  
On the Qudditch team, on the Quidditch team  
We all wanna play on the Quidditch team  
On the Qudditch team, on the Quidditch team...  
  
And our friends are all in the stands  
Although some of them support the Wasps  
And the teams begin to play...  
  
John shouted, "Come on then, everybody, sing along!" So everybody joined in on the chorus:  
  
"We all wanna play on the Quidditch team  
On the Qudditch team, on the Quidditch team  
We all wanna play on the Quidditch team  
On the Qudditch team, on the Quidditch team..."  
  
As we live a life of ease  
Everyone of us has all we need  
Quaffle of red and pitch of green  
On the Quidditch team.  
  
We all wanna play on the Quidditch team  
On the Qudditch team, on the Quidditch team  
We all wanna play on the Quidditch team  
On the Qudditch team, on the Quidditch team...  
  
We all wanna play on the Quidditch team  
On the Qudditch team, on the Quidditch team  
We all wanna play on the Quidditch team  
On the Qudditch team, on the Quidditch team!  
****  
When they finished up, Oliver was practically begging them on his knees to record the song so the Arrows could use it as there team anthem. I'm not sure if they agreed, because I was listening to Crabbe and Goyle argue over who was better: "Arrows or Wasps?". I support the Kenmare Kestrels, myself.  
  
END OF PART TWO  
  
Next time: "Oliver Wood/Norwegian Wood"   
and   
"A Deatheater's Night/A Hard Day's Night" 


	3. "Oliver Wood/Norwegian Wood" and "A Hard...

Title: The Beatles at Hogwarts  
Author: SchizoAuthoress  
Rating: PG-13  
Warnings: Um, disrespecting the songs of the greatest band on either side of the Atlantic? Yeah, I'm going to be haunted like nobody's business.  
  
A/N: Thanks, Catriona Snape, for (unintentionally) giving me this idea. It's not *exactly* the same as yours, but if you don't like that I've done this, review it and tell me so. I will remove it then. Anything to do with the Beatles' families and/or love lives is totally made up for creative purposes.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. The songs aren't mine either. Nor are the Beatles my possession. (Rest in Peace, John and George.)  
  
"The Beatles at Hogwarts: Part Three"  
  
Now, I hadn't noticed this myself, because when dessert was served and the Beatles took a break, they sat near the Gryffindors. But Pansy Parkinson poked me in the side (which, I might add, almost made me choke on my apple crumble) and hissed,  
  
"Percy Weasley's talking to Paul and George! I bet he's giving them ideas for a song!"  
  
I pouted for a moment after wiping crumbs from my mouth. But then, I heard John speaking to our House ghost.  
  
"Good to see you again, Baron." He greeted politely. The Bloody Baron nodded, and he almost smiled, I think! Then he whispered something in John's ear, who looked concerened.  
  
"Do you think that will go over well?" He asked. Baron shrugged.  
  
Before I could speak up and ask what was going on, John had floated away to talk to his bandmates about whatever the Bloody Baron had suggested.  
  
Pansy was right about Percy, though, because the first song they sang after Paul and Ringo had filled up on chocolate pudding was a version of "Norwegian Wood." This is how it went:  
****  
"Oliver Wood/Norwegian Wood"  
  
I once had a boy,  
Or should I say  
He once had me.  
He showed me his broom,  
"Isn't it good?"  
Said Oliver Wood.  
  
He asked me to stay and to watch the House team practice there,  
So I looked around and I noticed there wasn't a chair.  
I sat in the stands  
Biding my time,  
Listening to the Twins whine.  
  
They practiced until two,  
And then he said,  
"Team! Get yourselves to bed!"  
I told him there was a Charms test in the morning and he started to laugh,  
He told me he'd fail, and crawled off to sleep in the bath.  
  
And when I awoke  
I was alone,  
That crazy bird had flown,  
So I lit a fire, using his broom  
Becase I am not good  
To Oliver Wood.  
****  
The Great Hall rocked with laughter when Oliver ran up to the guest room to check on the state of his broom. Peeves laughed so hard that he did a backflip into the Bloody Baron and got so scared that he spent the rest of the night in the Divination Tower terrorizing Professor Trelawney.  
  
Now, I'm sure you're wondering about that song that the Baron suggested. Well, here it is:  
****  
"A Deatheater's Night/A Hard Day's Night"  
  
It's been a Deatheater's night  
And I've been workin' like a dog.  
It's been a Deatheater's night.  
I should be sleepin' like a log,  
  
But when I get home to you,  
I find the things that you do  
Make me feel alright.  
  
You know I work all night  
To terrorize Muggles and the Ministry  
And it's worth it just to hear you say,  
You're gonna give me everything.  
  
So why on earth should I moan?  
'Cause I'll end up in Azkaban alone!  
Then I'll feel pretty shitty.  
  
Then I'll never get home,  
And nothing will ever be right.  
When I'm rooming with a Dementor,  
Feeling all depressed and down.  
Down, yeah.  
  
It's been a Deatheater's night  
And I've been workin' like a dog.  
It's been a Deatheater's night.  
I should be sleepin' like a log,  
  
But when I get home to you,  
I realize that this ain't something I should do  
If I stop, then I might feel all right.  
You make me feel all right.  
You know I feel all right.  
****  
Professor McGonagall looked like she might transfigure them all into Muggle appliances when they started playing. I mean, she was furious. She thought that they were advocating the recruitment of people into Lord Voldemort's army of Deatheaters. Obiviously, the woman never followed the Beatles. Violence is the last thing on at least John and George's lists.  
  
Anyway, she cooled down by the end of the song and applauded with the rest of us.  
  
END PART THREE  
  
Next time: You guys get to decide! Just put the song you want me to revamp (sounds so much better than 'parody') in your review of Part Three! 


End file.
